Cheated????

I feel cheated...like I completely missed the experience. I know that I should be extremely happy that I have a perfect, healthy baby boy. Don't get me wrong Chase is wonderful, but I am still grieving for the birth experience that I looked forward to for 9+ months. There is something empowering about giving birth and seeing the baby you have grown inside for 9 months. I realize that people have c-sections everyday, but under general anesthesia is not a common occurence. And I don't think I would feel this way if I could have been awake for the c-section. I missed it all...I was asleep. I missed his first cry, I missed the reaction of my husband, kids and family when they heard "Its a boy". Before I was even conscience most of my family and friends knew what I had before I did.

To top it off the recovery from my c-section was terrible. I would deliver 10 more 9 1/2 pound babies like Madelyn before I would ever choose to go through another c-section. This is another reason I feel cheated. Was I done having kids? Maybe. Maybe not. But this experience (birth and recovery) makes the decision to have more children downright agonizing. After having Madelyn, I knew I had to have another baby girl. I can't imagine life without my sister and I definitely wanted Madelyn to have that experience as well. But now...my choices are to have another c-section or a VBAC. Not a fan of the VBAC, because I have seen what can happen. Plus with the VBAC, I wouldn't be able to have an induction so most likely I would carry the next pregnancy past the due date, and have to have a c-section anyway because with my age I wouldn't want to go past 41 weeks. Besides the fact that if I did go past the due date I would have a huge baby and stretching the uterus that much would just increase the risk for uterine rupture. And frankly uterine rupture is one birth emergency I could do without (especially since I have already experienced shoulder dystocia and prolapsed cord). So now have I been cheated out of the baby girl I long for?